The Silent Weight
Rumination, Leadership, and the Inner Lives of Black Women
There is a quiet struggle that many Black women in leadership are too familiar with. It is an unfortunate habit to revisit our decisions, words, tone of voice, and moments or interactions that we encounter.
The spiral.
This action is not done out of curiosity or a desire for genuine growth. It is out of concern that something we have done might be misinterpreted, questioned, or used against us. We tell ourselves that we are being thoughtful or thorough, but in reality, we are shifting further and further away from reflection and deeper into rumination. Rumination occurs when individuals repeatedly dwell on negative thoughts and emotions, interfering with their emotional and cognitive processing (Smith & Alloy, 2009). It becomes a spiraling cycle of internalized repetition shaped by pressure, identity, and social scrutiny, especially for Black women navigating bias, scrutiny, and heightened visibility in leadership (Watson & Hunter, 2015).
Reflection vs. Rumination
It is important to distinguish the key differences between reflection and rumination, the way they shape how we navigate our roles, and how we perceive ourselves. When reflecting, we ask ourselves, “What can I learn? How can I approach my next steps with clarity and intention?” Reflection is grounded in growth, forward thinking, and forward movement. Rumination, however, asks, “What did I do wrong? What will they think of me? What consequences are waiting for me?” with little to no evidence that something is actually wrong. Rumination keeps us in a vicious cycle of loops that erodes our confidence. We liberate our minds when we practice self-reflection with the purpose of improving, whereas rumination only confines the mind.
Where Rumination Begins
Black women serving in leadership capacities may develop a heightened habit of rumination in isolation or without reason. It develops and feeds from the lived experience of navigating spaces where our belonging feels conditional. It begins in childhood, reinforced by lessons that tell us to be twice as good, twice as composed, and twice as cautious. It deepens as we grow older; we recognize the scrutiny placed on our tone, our demeanor, and our intellect. By the time we enter professional life, many of us have spent years preparing for judgments that others never have to consider. Patricia Collins explains this in Black Feminist Thought as Black women exist under the heavy weight of expectations to monitor themselves in both private and public life, constantly adjusting to survive.
Our experiences, cultures, and systems shape this conditioning. Black women in leadership consistently report experiencing heightened scrutiny, fewer opportunities to receive genuine mentorship, and increased pressure to navigate leadership while also carrying the emotional and cultural burden of supporting others (Collins, 2000; Davis, Reynolds, & Jones, 2021). In education, Black women principals have described that they are central to school success and culture, yet often isolated, unprotected, and expected to hold communities together while suppressing any sign of vulnerability or genuine displays of their authentic identity (Peters, 2021). This tension not only affects how we lead, but also how we lead. The tension fuels the spiral, which influences how we think, how we rest, and how we perceive ourselves.
In the workplace, rumination and overthinking manifest as rehearsing conversations long after they have ended, rewriting emails until they no longer read confidently, questioning whether assertiveness will be mislabeled as aggression, and overworking not out of passion, but out of fear of being perceived as inadequate. It is also a significant mental burden that our peers often do not bear. These cycles do not stay at the office; they also follow us home. They disrupt how we rest, how we show up for our friends and families, how fully we experience joy, and how willingly we allow ourselves to be vulnerable.
Rebuilding Self-trust and Interrupting the Spiral
Leadership becomes less about vision and more about vigilance to combat the rumination that consumes our minds. Rumination can be a distraction from leadership, and therefore, we must trust ourselves to break through this mindset. Self-trust requires practice and sounds like:
I earned this.
I am prepared.
I belong here.
I do not need to audition for my own life.
I do not need you to validate me.
These affirmations serve as statements of truth. Interrupting rumination requires discipline, intention, and self-care. You also have to say no to yourself when negative thoughts fester. When the spiral begins, name it. Call it out. Say, I am ruminating and not thinking. Naming it breaks the illusion of control that the spiral attempts to bring. Ask yourself for evidence that confirms your thoughts as facts. Feeling uneasy or speculation is not a fact. Shift your body and walk around. Step into another room. Get air. Just do not sit still with the silence of your mind. Clarity will come through movement, not over-analysis or frantic overcorrections. Reach out to someone who knows you and can help you reconnect with reality. They do not need to fix you; they just need to help you return to reality. Therapy works wonders.
Strength is not measured by how much you carry alone. Strength is knowing when to release what harms you and move toward what restores you. We owe each other care. When a sister begins to spiral, do not dismiss her experience by saying she is overthinking. Look her in the eye and say, I hear you. Let us separate emotion from fact together. Ask her what she knows to be true. Remind her of what her work already proves. Encourage her to return to the moment instead of projecting into fear. We are not meant to lead alone.
We have the right to trust our vision, our voice, and our worth. Act as a lighthouse for other women when they are navigating their own storms. With that, remember that you also require maintenance and care. You matter, your peace matters, and your mind deserves rest. Healing begins the day we stop apologizing for how we survived.
References
Collins, P. H. (2000). Black Feminist Thought: Knowledge, Consciousness, and the Politics of Empowerment. Routledge.
Davis, A. R., Reynolds, R., & Jones, S. (2021). Leading While Black and Woman in Education. Journal of School Leadership, 31(5), 409–433.
Peters, A. L., & Miles Nash, A. (2021). I’m every woman: Advancing the intersectional leadership of Black women school leaders as anti-racist praxis. Journal of School Leadership, 31(1-2), 7-28.
Smith, J. M., & Alloy, L. B. (2009). A roadmap to rumination: A review of the definition, assessment, and conceptualization of this multifaceted construct. Clinical Psychology Review, 29(2), 116-128.
Watson, N. N., & Hunter, C. D. (2015). Anxiety and depression among African American women: The costs of strength and negative attitudes toward emotional expression. Women & Therapy, 38(3-4), 351–366.
